I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
