My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
