Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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