listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
