I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
