My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
It's shark week go big or go home
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
