why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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