I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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