my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
did you just send me my own nude
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
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