I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i think i have two assholes
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
