I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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