There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
