Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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