Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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