So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
