I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
