Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
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