I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
