Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
