Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
