How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
