Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
