I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
