You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Christians are straight up FREAKS
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
