so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
