a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
