Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
