why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
