So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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