If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
