Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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