just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
