Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
