Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
