Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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