Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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