im six kinds of drunk right now
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
