yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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