She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
