don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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