BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
