everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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