Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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