Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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