It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
