the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
