Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
