I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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