I could make wine with my vomit
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
