I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
