a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I stole a fireplace last night.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
