Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
